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Lessons learnt this summer:

A) Escape from oneself is the best one can hope for in this world. Philosophy is self-indulgent, all philosophers are self-indulgent, and excessive exposure to philosophy breeds nothing but harmful self-absorption.

B) The only cures for the self-absorption bred by philosophy are as follows: alcohol; drugs - not depressants; incessant immersion in the company of others, to the point where you no longer remember how to be with yourself - you have to reach the point where you feel scared of your own company, and see this as a blessing; dancing; seemingly superficial music; stop reading anything "profound" or "intense". If possible, stop reading altogethe; take up a manual/physical occupation - this helps you to forget yourself and forget thinking altogether.

C) A and B build up your confidence; they allow you to get on with things without having to make recourse to writing. You no longer need to ask yourself why it is that anyone would even bother talking to you.

D) Ultimately, you are something of a social retard, and cannot help but inevitably fall back into the same vicious loops of self-doubt and paranoia which you have only been staving off; meaning, no matter how hard you try to distance yourself, remove yourself from yourself, to have no regard and even forget yourself, you are only putting something off, and you will eventually be sucked back into yourself and your own despair like some shitty black hole. Certain fundamental insecurities, phobias and paranoias are permanent, and you will never, ever, remove them. Do not be fooled by power trips. Do not fool yourself into believing that you can in any way have control over yourself or that you can make your life better at all, as you'll only be disappointed. The harder you fight it, the more painful it'll be when you are crushed, as will inevitably be the case. And yet, not fighting is simply not an option.

Conclusions:

There's still hope. I don't know why, but some masochistic drive in me keeps me believing, struggling, and refusing to give up hope. It's all a lie, of course, and we are doomed to nothing but self-contempt. You can never fully break out of yourself, and that's why we're all doomed to go around in circles till the day we die. I recognise my being fucked up, but am powerless to do anything about it.